~

everytime I hear this song It reminds me of a man I once knew named Alexander Camden.

Alex was a pediatrician doing his residency in Minneapolis. I met him while my friend Mike & I were walking around lake calhoun one May weekend. He was a friend of my friend, Todd and I trusted Todd's judge of character and he promised to set me up with Alex. Just over a year later it finally happened and and we went out a few times. He was 29 and I was 27. This was 1998.

I was completely COOKOO GAGA over him but kept it to myself. This is right after my ex Nick had walked all over me for a few years and then ran off to Seattle with my best friend.

Alex was beautiful and funny and intelligent and we had so much in common. well, except that he came from $ and had no idea what it was like to not have the ends meet on a daily basis. He lived in a big old house in Minnetonka that was decked out in Laura Ashley wallpaper and antique furniture. It was gorgeous and half as tacky as it sounds. He loved Elton John and "sorry seems to be the hardest word" always seemed to be on at his house or in his car. "Old Elton", He would say "not the new shit."

we didn't spend a lot of time together because he worked all the time. One weekend He had a party at his house and I went with Mark I think. His friends were all older snotty queens and they were really rude to me. One of them said something like "you really aren't good enough for Alex" and "you should keave before you have your little feelings hurt." I couldn't find Alex and don't know what I would have said If I found him so we left. he knocked on my window a few hours later and apologized and we went back to his house. The next morning I was picturing myself married to this wonderful guy, living in his great house and never worrying about money. As Golddigger as that sounds, I had real feelings for him.

He left for NYC that morning.

I didn't see him again for a month. when he came back he looked different. thinner and his head was shaved. he looked tired with rings around his eyes. we met at the smiling moose and he told me that he didn't think we were going anywhere and that he didn't have time for a relationship. He seemed very angry and bitter.

I was crushed. And I couldn't say anything to anyone besides Mark. I hadn't really gushed about him to any of my friends besides Mark and another failed relationship wasn't anything to be proud of.

2 weeks later I flew to Seattle to visit steve and Nick and started to think I might move there. I still chatted with Alex online and on the phone and he thought moving to seattle would be good for me. I didn't get to see Alex before I moved, though. We made plans to meet when I came home for Xmas but the trip was cancelled.

On January 5th, 1999 Alex emailed me and told me that he had been diagnosed with Kidney cancer a year earlier and they had thought it had been an early enough detection but it turns out he was fading fast. He realized this in August and cut me off at that point. He apologized for not being honest with me sooner but he had initially felt like he was goign to beat it. He claimed he didn't want to drag me through a messy cancer death - since that was now all he saw coming.

I called him and we had a tearful long conversation. Again, we made plans to meet when I came home in June. I got an email from one of his friends in early April saying he had passed away. What they thought was early detection was years too late.

I have this little chrome cat that he gave me when I moved to Seattle. He gave most of his possessions to his friends and to charity. I drove by his hosue last time was in minneapolis and it looked exactly the same. I got a little choked up.

I know it's pointless to think about what could have been but sometimes I wonder. And Wish. I don't think of Alex often and I think he would want it that way. But always when I see the little chrome cat and everytime I hear "sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" - which never fails to completely WREAK me.