~

Last night I thought I was going to die.

I felt fine yesterday but after sitting down for an hour in front of my tv last night, I got up and my legs and hips were killing me. i went d0wnstairs to get some aleve and couldn't come back upstairs - I just couldn't lift my legs high enough to the next step.

by 10 pm i couldn't even stand up. i was crawling around like a rodent. And in so much pain - considering an emergency room visit. Sadly, the UM inspired finacial ruin made me ixnay that.

Crawled into bed with a heating pad and hoped for the best. convinced myself that I was havinga heart attack and would die in my sleep - so crawled to my desk and wrote a brief note to the world. "if I should die in my sleep...."

I'm not kidding, sadly.

and of course, times of duress bring on endless thoughts about my life and the hopes, dreams, disappointments and why haven't I accomplished more and what a disappointment I must be to my parents and wow, nobody loves me and how sad it all is and why is God punishing me and woe is me and yada yada yada and all that bullshit.

barely slept but somehow felt better this morning. it really only happens at night.
Am i dying? is my back mess up? is my circulation system clogged? did i have a minor stroke?
is my unborn twin that lives in my brian trying to get out? was i kidnapped by aliens in my sleep and subjected to an anal probe?

STAY TUNED!

seeing a new Doctor here in Hellevue tomorrow.

think happy thoughts.